Topsy Turvy

As many of you know, I recently totally revamped my grad committee. It's been a much better fit and they've been great to work with, but there's been an unexpected complication.

My new adviser is expecting me to be a part of the process for deciding what kinds of questions will be on my qualifying exams. My last adviser basically told me the way things were and I had to kinda roll with it; it seemed that my interests were less important than making sure I knew what I needed to know.

This new approach has turned me all inside out and topsy turvy. I feel like i got caught in a riptide that's pulled me round. It's going the direction I think I should be going, but it takes some adjustments.

One of the most frightening things is that my adviser asked me what I wanted to focus on and I'm struggling to know what that is. I know some of the things that interest me, but I don't know what is academic enough to give me scholastic focus. I haven't actually felt like I've been able to pay attention to what I've wanted to pay attention to for a while.

I know this is as much my fault as anyone else's. True, my adviser could have helped me to that realization, but ultimately the fault is mine.

This weekend, Heidi is up visiting family. I'm trying to use that time to help me figure it out. I know some of what I like, but I don't know what I want to use as an overarching focus. I can't make it out of a patchwork.

I know I like Hellboy. I know I'm fascinated by the way dads are portrayed on TV. I love the idea of looking at Firefly's Jayne and his kind of intelligence. I'm intrigued by what superheros do for us, from Beowulf, to Batman, to action heroes.

I think I'm mostly looking at masculinity and what pop culture tells us about being men and fathers and husbands and heroes. The thing is that I don't know where to find the kind of scholarship that can help me inform my knowledge and education and understanding. How am I supposed to craft myself in to a professor that can get a job and teach something worth teaching with this kind of focus?

I don't know if this is coming across, but I just don't know yet how to craft my focus and I have less than a year to get it more or less nailed down. It'll work out 'cause it has to, but I'm really looking forward to getting myself adjusted to this new, and much stronger, current.