Liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning "a threshold"[1]) is a psychological, neurological, or metaphysical subjective state, conscious or unconscious, of being on the "threshold" of or between two different existential plane.
One of the things that's been causing me some trouble can be encapsulated in this concept of liminality I've put above. Essentially, when you don't quite fit in either of two dichotomous societies and there's no real third place to be, you're in a liminal space. While some may disagree, I feel very liminal right now.
See, here's the thing. I'm too politically conservative for most of my colleagues in the English department, but I'm too liberal for most of my friends in my congregation. For example, I think both Harry Reid and Sharron Angle are terrible choices for Nevada's senate seat. Also, I have a hard time finding my place in the debate over homosexuality. I know what I believe, but I don't know how that belief should influence my politics.
Also, at school I'm the only person I know who is trying to finish my degree while bringing a wife and kids into the mix. Some of my colleagues are married. Some are pregnant. I know of one or two that have kids in high school and are coming back to finish earlier work. There are even a few who have a kid or will be having a kid soon, but none have quite the quantity of family obligations I do.
On the flip side, none of my church associates quite get the onus of grad school. Many of them put in a lot of work in their professions, but most of them get paid significantly more than I do.
At school, I sometimes feel my blue collar roots. I don't quite feel up to the level of book learnin' that my colleagues have attained. At my security job, I'm the bookish one. I think I'm the only one not licensed for a concealed carry permit. I think I'm also the only one who can't say I own guns.
I frequently find myself in a quandary. I don't feel like I fit in with my university friends but I don't feel quite like I belong with my church friends. Because of my busy schedule, I don't have any other acquaintances outside of those two circles. So, I really don't know who to turn to.
I want to make it clear now that none of my associates intentionally alienate me. On the contrary, most of them do a great deal to try to reach out and support me. I'm surrounded by a great bunch of people who are doing as much as they can to help me through difficulties that they have a hard time comprehending. I'm very, very grateful for their support.
But the fact that none of them quite get my situation sometimes makes it worse. All of these people around me who want to help, including Heidi, and none of them can quite figure out how. The real kick in the chops is that I'm incapable of telling them how myself. I'm incapable of coming up with ways to relieve the pressures that weigh me down.
I don't mean to sound all whiney and complainey. Overall, my life is really pretty good. I do have concerns that need resolving, but I really don't have much of a right to complain. What I'm trying to do is just clear this out of my head so I can get past it and start being more productive with all the hats I have to wear.
People before me have gotten through this; so can I.
1 comments:
I always feel better when I vent. You put it very well. We love you and keep you in our prayers. We know it is not easy but we also know the end it now in sight! Hang in there. About voting - I understand. We are facing a similar problem here.
Post a Comment